Stores aren’t Town Squares

How Apple Finally Lost Me.

I can’t do this any more Apple.

I just can’t.

I can’t pretend that this weird magical malarkey is okay any more.

I know everyone is excited about some of the new Electronics Products announced yesterday, and others are pissed off.

But can we talk about this “Town Square” thing for a second?

Image for post
Image for post

This is the Apple Store in my local mall.

As you can see, it’s just like a Town Square. It’s filled with trees. Live music plays there every weekend. There’s a farmer’s market during the summer months. People can hang out and have a cup of coffee made with their favorite locally-ground beans.

Only instead of trees it has those same stupid wooden tables that every Apple store has. The live music is just a bunch of iPhones cranked up playing whatever people song accidentally clicked in Apple music when they just wanted to try a game. The farmer’s market is just a bunch of backlit photos of people vaguely enjoying Apple products. And you can get your favorite coffee…as long as it’s made by the Starbucks around the corner.

This “Town Square” crap is some of the most stupid nonsense I’ve ever heard come out of an official company press conference. It’s complete and obvious garbage.

The only redeeming quality is that Apple actually allowed a woman onstage to talk about their retail presence.

I wish they had given her non-stupid things to say.

Stores don’t have to be anything but stores.

Remember stores? They’re places that you go to get things now. That’s their one big advantage over the internet and shipping times. Hopefully, they have a nice clean layout, good lighting, friendly employees, and have the thing you want in stock.

Apple has nailed all of these things…unless you want some AirPods, in which case, good luck!

I like Apple stores. I don’t want them to be Town Squares. That’s…I just can’t.

Apple is selling a weird fantasy lifestyle that doesn’t exist, where we all live in this magical world and just constantly consume content on our over-priced and under-powered devices. But it’s okay because Town Squares you guys!

The Steve Jobs Reality Distortion Field has become the entire brand identity. Steve Jobs was a master salesman and marketer. He knew how to figure out what people would want to buy, and he knew how to steer a giant company full of smart people into making those things. And yeah, he was kind of a horrible human. But he had incredible marketing skills.

Now, Apple seems like one big and bafflingly successful social experiement. They’ve fallen behind in the innovation department and they just keep telling you that they haven’t. Don’t worry that we’re buying our screens from Samsung, we’ll just slap the name Super Retina on it and pretend we made it!

Samsung is laughing all the way to the bank. They market their products by their functions, like most tech companies do, rather than selling me on a magical pseudo-religious Town Square Retail Land.

Those Josh Brolin ads were great because they showed me what the Galaxy S8 would do.

Apple’s all like, our stores are wondrous lands and you can pay with your FACE.

And millions of people are going to give them millions more dollars so they can live the dream, or whatever.

It’s not my dream any more. And it’s totally cool with me if you want to stay on-board the weird cult train. I get it. I guess. It’s…alluring?

I like my 12-inch MacBook. It’s small and portable and I like how typing feels on it. To me, it feels like the last Apple product that was made around a specific set of functions instead of being made to support the weird religious mentality of joining the club. I’ve had mine for a year and a half, and I’m just going to keep using it until it dies and I replace it with a PC.

Apple has the best industrial design department in the tech world, and it’s being wasted on rehashed headphones, Samsung rip-off phones, and talking poop.

I know, I’m a bad person for hating the talking poop and I’m not fun. But talking poop is not a selling point for a phone…it’s a free webcam app we all downloaded 10 years ago.

Please click the clapping button if you liked this! And please come find my personal web site at I promise I’ll never pretend that my writing is actually a Town Square, a Spaceship, or a Magic Wand.

Written by

I do radio voice work by day, and write by day and night. I studied film and production. I love audio, design, and music. Also video games.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store