Why does American Retail(tm) always decide that only Christmas music can exist in December?

I don’t go outside that much, particularly in December. It’s cold in December. And the air is full of Christmas Music.

Sometimes I really like Christmas Music. As you’ll see later in this article, I even downright endorse some of it. But the other music still exists just because it’s December. And not everyone wants to hear Christmas Music everywhere.

Of course, I also didn’t want to hear that Pixar lava song over and over again at Starbucks, either…

Back in August, Starbucks did a cool Tony Bennett thing that some people hated. They had a playlist of Tony Bennett classics, and some new songs that Tony Bennett apparently picked out that definitely weren’t just chosen by his publicist or marketing director. But I’m in a Starbucks right now, and the playlist is nothing but the trashiest list of Christmas standards and awful covers.

I’ve been forced to take refuge by listening to Huey Lewis on some noise-cancelling headphones.

Here now are some Christmas songs I like, and the one I hate the most.

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Here’s an old picture of some syrup on some whipped cream because it’s festive or something yes.

THE GOOD

I’ve heard most Christmas carols so many times at this point in my life that they just read like slightly irritating background music. My high school forced us to play Sleigh Ride every year for some reason, so that song is right out.

There are some good old recordings of Christmas carols, like anything Ray Conniff was involved in.

For newer stuff, Colbie Caillat’s Chritmas album, Christmas in the Sand, isn’t bad. I also really like Emmy Rossum’s Christmas EP, and I wish that Emmy Rossum would record more music.

This random person uploaded the entire EP to Youtube, and a put a vevo logo in the thumbnail. Good to see that copyright restrictions are doing their job. Please go listen to it through a streaming service or buy it if you like it.

As far as modern day Christmas songs go…no. I don’t like 99 percent of them. There have been some valiant efforts, and there’s also The Song That Won’t Be Named except for at the end of this article.

There’s one I do like. It’s this one.

I know that’s almost an old song at this point. But it’s the one good one.

It’s an inarguable fact.

At least this youtube upload is legit and the money goes to the right place.

Now let’s suffer together for a spell.

THE AWFUL

Oh god, I’m going to say the words.

Wonderful Christmas Time is hot garbage.

Not even Demi Lovato could save it.

I know this is blasphemy. I know that Paul McCartney wrote this song, and that I’m basically insulting one of the gods of modern music. But this song is so bad. So many people love it, and never before have I been more baffled by a popular opinion.

This song gets into my brain and tears at it with a knife. It feels like my skull cavity is being carved out with a rusty spoon. Third metaphor involving a kitchen implement and my head.

If you like this song, I’m sorry. I never want to hear it again, but thanks to the weird Christmas Law that all retailers seem to abide by, if I go outside, I have no choice.

CONCLUSION TO RAMBLE

I’m all for celebrating the holidays. Holidays are a fun time to get together with friends and family, and do fun, joyous things. But why does this time of year have such a monopoly on assaulting me with terrible music? Why can’t all times of year assault me with terrible music?

No wait, I’ll try a different thing.

Why can’t all music exist at all times? I can listen to a song in the winter that reminds me of the warm days of summer. I can do the same thing, reversed. I think if Christmas music were allowed to exist in moderation at all times of year, and confined to specific concerts and caroling events during the holiday time, I would be a lot less irritated by it.

Except for Wonderful Christmas Time. We should destroy that one forever and stop giving it accolades.

UPS sent my new headphones to entirely the wrong city today instead of to me, and I’m upset about it, so I’m writing this rant blog in the Starbucks.

Written by

I do radio voice work by day, and write by day and night. I studied film and production. I love audio, design, and music. Also video games.

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